This is Ridiculous, This is Amazing Read online

  To Lindsay, Silas, and Arlo

  Copyright © 2014 by Jason Good.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress

  Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

  Good, Jason.

  This is ridiculous this is amazing : parenthood in 71 lists / Jason Good.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-4521-3564-9 (epub, mobi)

  ISBN 978-1-4521-2921-1 (hardback)

  1. Child rearing—Humor. 2. Parent and child—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.C315G73 2014

  649'.10207—dc23

  2013032528

  Cover designed by Jennifer Tolo Pierce

  Author photo by Ben Toht

  Book designed by Benjamin Shaykin

  Typeset mostly in Sentinel,

  Atlas Grotesk, and Router.

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, California 94107

  www.chroniclebooks.com

  Contents

  Acknowledgments 7

  Introduction 8

  1 Preparedness 10

  How to Defend Yourself Against a Toddler Attack 12

  Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Need 14

  Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Do 16

  Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do 18

  Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Freaking Out 20

  The Only Chart Parents Will Ever Need 23

  Games You Can Play While Lying Down 26

  Tips for Traveling with small Children 28

  Some Things I’ll Miss 30

  2 No Permanent Damage 32

  The Wrong Kind of Games 34

  Signs You’re Going Native 36

  Don’t Trust Your Instincts 38

  No Need to Feel Guilty 40

  The Wrong Kind of Funny 41

  1. Do Not Exaggerate the Passage of Time for Comedic Effect 41

  2. Do Not Use Injury Hyperbole 41

  3. Do Not Use Surrealist Sarcasm 42

  4. Do Not Exaggerate Your Anger 42

  5. Do Not Exaggerate Using Astronomical Distances 43

  How to Piss Off Your Pediatrician 44

  Go Ahead and Camp 46

  Reasons to Avoid the Beach 48

  The Five Perils of International Travel 50

  On Being a Role Model 52

  Eight Dangers of Green Parenting 54

  What My Kid Dreams About 56

  3 Understanding Your Co-Parent 58

  You Deserve a Break 60

  One Hour Inside My Wife’s Brain 62

  What Parents Say Instead of F*ck 65

  Home Schoolin’ 68

  How to Know If Your Wife Has Been Drinking 70

  Nap Guilt 72

  Napping Isn’t the Only Way to Torture Your Co-parent 73

  How to Maintain the Magic 75

  Ridiculous Apologies 77

  The Duties of a Twenty-First-Century Father 78

  Fourteen at Forty 80

  Without Mom, There Is No Us 82

  4 Lowering Your Standards 84

  Baby Wipes Forever 86

  When Listening Is Impossible 88

  WAKE UP! It’s Morning 90

  How to Threaten Your Children Effectively 94

  Parenting the Firstborn vs. the Second-Born* 98

  Food 98

  Bed 98

  Clothes 98

  Parties 99

  Bathing 99

  Nighttime Routine 99

  Friends 99

  Toys 99

  TV Rules 100

  Babysitter 100

  Shoes 100

  Potty Training 100

  What Annoying Parents Say . . . and the Truth 101

  Taking a Bath with Your Child 103

  Safe Places to Eat Cookies 105

  What We’ve Googled 107

  The Arithmetic of Parenting 108

  Operation Roommate 111

  Why I’m Fat Now 114

  Signs That You’re a Bad Parent 116

  Rules for Power Outages 118

  5 Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! 120

  Understanding Your Children 122

  Self-Help from a Three-Year-Old 124

  Use Your Best Kindergarten Spelling 126

  How Toddlers Tell You They’re Hungry 128

  Car Talk 130

  Building a Fort with a Five-Year-Old 132

  A Three-Year-Old Searches for His Shoes 135

  How Board Games End 137

  Oliver’s Take 138

  Needed: Hollywood Agents for Parents 140

  The Stages of Parenting 142

  Arlo’s Letter to Santa 145

  From Arlo to Silas 147

  6 This Is Ridiculous This Is Amazing 150

  The Seven Stages of a Tantrum 152

  Ridiculous Things I’ve Said 154

  Some Fantastic Winter Activities 155

  Zen and the Art of Parenting 157

  The Bees Are Back in Town 160

  Who Needs Tissues When They Have a Sleeve? 164

  ACUTE FACIAL TISSUE FEAR (AFTF) 164

  COUCH SNOT SYNDROME (CSS) 164

  MILK MOUTH (MM) 165

  GAPING HACK (GH) 165

  CRUSTED SHOULDER (CS) 165

  OXYGEN INTAKE SWITCH SYNAPSE FAILURE (OISSF) 165

  CARRY ME ALL THE TIME SYNDROME (CMATTS) 166

  How to Make a Kid Potion 167

  The Goodie Bag 170

  Kids Party Way Harder Than We Do 171

  Love Hurts: Especially My Shoulder 173

  Dear Sons 175

  About the Author 177

  Acknowledgments*

  My editor, Lorena Jones at Chronicle,

  who believed I could write a book.

  My agent, Courtney Miller-Calihan,

  who has held my hand for longer than

  she might have liked.

  My wife, Lindsay Forsythe,

  who made this book funnier and

  made me happier.

  My parents, Michael and Josephine Good,

  who taught me by example

  to see the humor in everyday life.

  My sons, Silas and Arlo,

  who created all of the content in this book,

  and somehow managed

  to fill me with joy in the process.

  *These acknowledgments serve as payment for all debts.

  Introduction

  DO YOU HAVE AN ABRASION CAUSED BY A TODDLER hitting you with a tambourine, harmonica, or random piece of cardboard?

  Have you used a baby wipe to clean yogurt off your “comfy pants”?

  Are your remote controls mysteriously greasy?

  If you answered “Yes,” or “Please help me” to any of these questions, I wrote this book for you.

  Of course, I realize that, as a parent, obtaining or reading a book might prove difficult. Sure, they’re available for immediate download, but your Page Genie, Book Horse, Text Sniffer, Word Wrangler, etc., were all co-opted by your kid months ago. So someone probably gave you this book while saying something like, “This made me think of you,” or “Wow, you smell tired.” The good news: This is a book of lists (seventy-one of them, in fact—one for each gray hair you’ve found since having children), so the introduction here is the only heavy reading you’ll have to do.

  If you’re in a store right now skimming this and thinking it might be a great gift for your gal pal who carried around a breast pump, or your guy friend whose wife carried around a breast pump, or your guy friend who carried around his wife’s breast pump, or even your friend who got drunk and bought a breast pump as a gag, y
ou’re right, it is.

  I wrote this book because I like making people laugh. I’m a stand-up comedian, but parenting has made me lazy with my downtime, and writing involves a lot of sitting. I would have written a regular book full of sentences and ideas, but being the father of two young boys has caused my IQ to plummet. The relentless emotional negotiations between love, frustration, and guilt kill more brain cells than huffing patio sealant.

  I would love to write a hilarious thingy about string theory (lie), but considering I’m frequently incapable of untwisting the strap on a car seat, it’s probably best for the universe if I leave science-y stuff to the experts.

  It’s also worth acknowledging that some parents are perfect. Their kids sleep through the night, they never watch TV, they “super love” lettuce, they never pick their nose, they don’t bite people, and they pronounce the L in clock. I didn’t write this for them. They wouldn’t have time to read it anyway because they’re probably off in a pasture reading Shakespeare to an infant. I’m happy for them. This book is for the rest of us, or anyone else who enjoys laughing at the irony of being so helplessly in love with tiny people who have no idea that they’re slowly killing us.

  PREPAREDNESS

  The mere suggestion that one can be prepared for parenthood is preposterous, but there are a few things you should know. Let me be clear: None of this advice will make your ridiculous life any easier, but at least you won’t feel alone (or wind up needing your retina reattached).

  How to Defend Yourself Against a Toddler Attack

  Let’s start with something very dear to my heart: personal safety. It’s important to understand that your children are completely unaware, or perhaps simply don’t care, that they’re capable of injuring you severely. I like that my small son thinks I’m indestructible, but at the same time, I don’t appreciate having my mouth pried open like a begrudging dental patient. If I relent, he’ll reach down my throat like a pelican feeding its young. Given the condition of his hands by 8 P.M., I may as well be getting my uvula massaged by a gloveless bridge troll. I have to protect myself and so should you. Here’s a list of supplies I carry around the house in a giant backpack.

  1. Two falcon gloves

  2. One large bottle of hydrogen peroxide

  3. A hockey mask

  4. Aloe

  5. One pair of burlap chaps (prevents scratching)

  6. A 4 × 4 sheet of Plexiglas

  7. Two units of type-O blood

  8. One shower cap

  9. A jar of peanut butter (He hates it. Works like garlic on a vampire.)

  10. Racquetball glasses

  11. Pelican repellant

  12. A welder’s helmet (for when hockey mask and shower cap have already been used)

  13. Skin-grafting kit

  14. Zithromax (any potent antibiotic will work here)

  15. An air horn (think of this as a panic button)

  16. A smoke machine

  17. Echinacea

  18. One crash-test dummy

  19. Two packages of PowerGel (Sometimes the assault lasts for hours. Need fuel.)

  20. One mouth guard

  21. An extra shirt

  22. One eyebrow pencil

  23. Two kidneys (on ice—very important)

  When all of that fails, just tickle them.

  Of course, my kids are absolutely adorable. And so are yours. They are our first choice for people we would let excavate our throat, and there’s no one we’d rather have puncture our lung. We always hurt the ones we love.

  Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Need

  Saying good-bye to your old, childless life means getting rid of things. You need to make room for plastic oboes and large colorful cloth cubes that roar, ribbit, and hiss. I’ve compiled a list of all the items in and around your home that will go completely unused for about a year after you have children.

  1. Your bicycle

  2. Novels

  3. Vases

  4. Skis

  5. The alarm clock

  6. Chopsticks

  7. Your sexy voice

  8. Fishing poles

  9. Your friends’ phone numbers

  10. Decorative bowls

  11. Negligee (did I spell that right?)

  12. Tennis racquets

  13. Magazine subscriptions

  14. Sex toys

  15. Jewelry

  16. Scuba gear

  17. Concert tickets

  18. Indoor plants

  19. Napkin rings

  20. Napkins

  21. Your cool leather jacket

  22. Floor lamps

  23. Anything made of glass

  24. Exercise equipment (unless the cats like it)

  25. Shoes with laces

  26. Travel books

  27. Yarn

  28. Your tuba (Only for people who play the tuba. I don’t play the tuba, so what do I know?)

  Oh, the Things You’ll No Longer Do

  Be prepared to not do any of the following things for at least four years after having children. These are in no particular order.

  1. Floss

  2. Learn

  3. Canoe

  4. Say no to pizza

  5. Sit down

  6. Get a promotion

  7. Dream

  8. Illicit drugs

  9. Pottery

  10. Take more than eight minutes to eat a meal

  11. Oral sex

  12. Sex

  13. Woodworking

  14. Follow politics

  15. Have a great pair of socks

  16. Yoga

  17. Set your alarm

  18. Groom

  19. Go antiquing

  20. Stretch

  21. Drink enough water

  22. Hold in a fart

  23. Fart with confidence

  24. Hang glide

  25. Make a salad

  26. Get a colonoscopy

  27. Listen to a complete story

  28. Think slowly

  29. See the dentist

  30. Use a hot tub

  31. Iron something

  32. Karate

  33. Emergency couples therapy

  34. Get a new driver’s license

  35. Tailgate

  36. Like your hair

  37. Visit France

  38. Crochet

  39. Have stamps

  40. Enter REM sleep

  41. Know where your shoes are

  42. Lose weight

  Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do

  There are, indeed, countless things you will no longer be able to do after having children, like grooming, learning, stretching, and snorkeling. But don’t fret. Here are just a few of the amazing new things you’ll get to do instead.

  1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing

  2. Brush someone’s teeth against his will

  3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth

  4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth

  5. Eat food that has fallen out of someone else’s mouth

  6. Eat food you found on the floor

  7. Eat food you found on the mantle

  8. Eat candy you found in a shoe

  9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea

  10. Visit a psychiatrist

  11. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand

  12. Eat baby food

  13. Blame a fart on a child

  14. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower

  15. Cut up a grape

  16. Almost agree to cut up a raisin

  17. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune

  18. Ask someone why their hair smells like yogurt

  19. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant

  20. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket

  21. Let someone watch you pee as they stare blankly while eating a Popsicle

  Reasons
Your Toddler Might Be Freaking Out

  It’s hard to be a kid, especially when you consider all the possible things that might be upsetting them. These are all guesses. Children of this age are incapable of explaining why they’ve lost their minds.

  1. His sock is on wrong.

  2. His lip tastes salty.

  3. His shirt has a tag on it.

  4. The car seat is weird.

  5. He’s hungry, but can’t remember the word “hungry.”

  6. Someone touched his knee.

  7. He’s not allowed in the oven.

  8. I picked out the wrong pants.

  9. His brother looked at him.

  10. His brother didn’t look at him.

  11. His hair is heavy.

  12. We don’t understand what he said.

  13. He doesn’t want to get out of the car.

  14. He wants to get out of the car by himself.

  15. The iPad has a password.

  16. His sleeve is touching his thumb.

  17. He doesn’t understand how Popsicles are made.

  18. The inside of his nose stinks.

  19. Chicken is gross.

  20. A balloon he got six months ago is missing.

  21. A puzzle piece won’t fit in upside down.

  22. I gave him the wrong blue crayon.

  23. The gummy vitamin is too firm.

  24. The Internet is slow.

  25. He jumped off the sofa and we weren’t watching.

  26. He’s not allowed to touch fire.

  27. Everything is wrong with his coat.

  28. There’s a dog within a seventy-mile radius.

  29. A shoe should fit either foot.

  30. I asked him a question.

  31. His brother is talking.

  32. He can’t lift a pumpkin.

  33. He can’t have my keys.

  34. The cat is in his way.

  35. The cat won’t let him touch its eyeball.

  36. The inside of his cheek feels rough.

  37. Things take too long to cook.

  38. He has too much food in his mouth.

  39. He sneezed.

  40. He doesn’t know how to type.

  41. The garbage disposal is going to eat him.

  42. His mom is taking a shower.

  43. Someone knocked over his tower.

  44. He got powdered sugar on his pants.

  45. The yogurt won’t stay on his spoon.

  46. EVERYTHING IS TOO HOT.

  The Only Chart Parents Will Ever Need

  I promise, it will seem as if your children are at their most energetic when you’re at your least. The graph below proves just that: parental energy and a child’s needs are most frequently at odds with each other. I think it’s nature’s way of encouraging kids to learn to play by themselves.